The Heart of the Matter

This blog was initiated as a way for me to kill time.  I have lots of time on my hands these days.  I am a stay at home wife with no children and at present, limited mobility (back injury).  I’ve always loved writing, and in the past, my writing has brought me accolades.  Straight super A’s in high school and college.  When I need a boost, I sometimes go back and look at old essays I wrote just to see the wonderful comments and compliments my professors gave me.  I’ve won a contest or two and friends often remark on the eloquence or truthful essence of a text or an email.  I should be writing.  I should have been writing.  I should have been a writer.  I’ve always dreamed of being a writer.  And yet, I don’t write. 

I think on some level I’ve been afraid.  We’ve all seen that question, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail”. My first response is always, write my life story.  Or any story for that matter.  But really, I feel in my spirit that my life is a testimony I’m supposed to share…but I’ve been afraid.  My life has had a fair amount of pain. So had everyone’s, right?  Right.  No excuse there.  It  is hard to write about painful things because it brings them out of your past into the present.  So, at the most basic level, I have been avoiding pain.  That’s silly and somewhat selfish.  If I truly believe my story can uplift someone, how dare I keep it to myself?  It’s silly because, stuffing my memories, thoughts and feelings in the closet hasn’t lessened the pain. It’s always there when I go to get something out of the closet.  Perhaps, writing it all out will release the feelings I’ve attached to it all. Writing is kind of magical like that.

So, today, I’m feeling some kind of way.  In addition to the regular old chronic back pain I’ve suffered with for almost an entire year, today, there is a new sharper more intense pain.  I’m frustrated and saddened by it.  I want to DO something, so many things.  And new physical pain makes me feel that the chances of doing ANYthing are getting further and further away.  I am determined to stay in hope.  That requires me to refocus my energy and get positive.  I’ve picked up a few hobbies to help me refocus my energy and burn up some of this free time I have.  I have begun to learn how to quilt – by hand, the old-fashioned way. I also garden – my first joy.

My first quilt top. All by hand.

I GREW that watermelon!
Pineapple from Walmart.

I grew ALL this stuff! Can you believe it?
My Zuchini were the size of my forearm!

  I have dogs, four now.  Started with and was happy with one, but she had puppies and I’ve been unwilling to ‘get rid of them’.

My BEST Buddy - Sparkle.  Picking her up from doggie jail (the shelter).
She got picked up by the dog catcher one day.
More about her in future posts.  Love this girl.  What a face!

I love to cook and try new recipes.  I’m starting to travel with my camera at all times to document the beauty of my life here in Alabama.  I recently completed my first scrapbook as a gift for a friend.  A couple summers’ ago, I taught myself how to make jellies and preserves.

My first pear preserves.  They were yummy!

The back issues obstruct a good few of these hobbies, but I press on and today – I write.  Back pain should not interfere with that.

So I debate now where to begin - the present, the past, the beginning?  Who’s to say what is the beginning and if anything is ever at an end?  I figure, I’ll just go on topic, the topic most pressing on my heart any given day.  I have so  much to talk about: my mom, my dad, my sisters, my glorious, beautiful husband (a favorite topic of mine), my gifts, my curses, my successes, my failures, holidays, holy days.  It’s actually a bit overwhelming.  Blogging is a day by day thing and I'm hoping this format will ease the pressure of say, ‘writing a book’.  If it turns into a book, fine.  I'm not putting any pressure or labels on it.  I'm just writing.  That’s been the friggin’ challenge from the jump – to just do it as you know who says. (No commercial plugs here)

My glorious, beautiful husband, Phil, and his equally amazing nephew, Roman!
All the kids love Uncle Phil.  It's crazy.

I've shared this blog with friends.  I hope you all will continue to read it, and comment because I treasure your feedback.  It is always edifying and leads to growth.  I don’t intend to tell y’all all my business but I intend to be as honest as I can.  For my sake.  And if it blesses someone else, whew, all the better.  I need to empty some space in my brain.  I speculate that my continued limitations may be the universe’s way of saying, “SIT DOWN AND WRITE YOU STUPID HARD-HEADED GIRL!”  Maybe once I do it, my back will miraculously improve.  Hey, I'm a believer. You’ll find that out too if you keep reading.

Some days I may just talk about planting vegetables or walking Sparkle.  Some days I may share the pain of losing my mostly absent parents before age 24.  Every post won’t be heavy or fluff.  Letting the spirit lead me. 

Uh, I guess that’s it for now.  Just a little, hold on to your seats preparation.  Might be a bumpy ride.  But I’m all in.  Hope you are too.

Hugs!
N.